What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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