saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
