god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
