Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
