Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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