Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I have aggressive nipples.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
