I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
