You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
