Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
