Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
