You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
