My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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