That's intense
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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