Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
