just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
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If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
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Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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