2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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