I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
