why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
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My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
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I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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