The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
