I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
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There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
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He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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