let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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