How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
