OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
