My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
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