Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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