happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
