I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
