My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
