the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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