How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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