Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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