i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
