then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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