i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
