Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
