I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
