his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
