I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
