you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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