First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Randomize
