So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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