am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Less talking, more tequila
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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