When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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