she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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