i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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