He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm always down for nudity.
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