in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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