people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He? As in you personified your dick?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
