I'm so fucking centered right now
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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