When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Congratulations! We have a period
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
