she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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