hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
