dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Say something about gay babies.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
