Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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