you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
