I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
A+ Viking dick
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
